
PSIDE MOWN 



AN ORIGINAL 


PHILOSOPHICAL and MYTHOLOGICAL 


IN FIVE ACTS, 


WITS 


■'P'g/a-D 


m 


MILIl AJJJ 


BY 


PETE® SPREES, GEWTEEMEN. 

/V o 


NEW ORLEANS 


t i-i 1 


Printed at the Commercial Bulletin Job Office, 133 Gravier Street- 






AN 


Original Philosophical and Mythological 


COMEDY, 

IN FIVE ACTS, 


WITH APPROPRIATE TABLEAUX. 


♦ 

Br BETMB 8P&BM8* GBitmmxm#. 

dj crv«~eX2^ & . 


NEW ORLEANS: 

Printed at tiie Commercial Bulletin Office, 133 Gravier Street. 

1871 . 



PERSONS REPRESENTED. 


Asmodai — The Gentlemen in Black. 

Civil Code— A Big Fish. 

Gus Soaplocks—A Small Potato. 

Captain Neptune— An Old Sea Dog. 

Mr. Thompson — The Governor. 

Lame Jervis— A Young Genius. 

Don Juan ] 

Banco Panza j 

Parson Grub. j Pilgrims. 

Congress Naught b 

Ugly Mug j 

Red River J 

Magnus Apollo ] 

Pinch Bowl | 

Marc Antony j 14th Amendments— Assorted Colors. 

Sam Chew j 

Abram j 

Guts J 

John Sidkey. 

Flying Dutchman— Fond of Swei Lager. 

Mr. Bangs — Father to Sally. 

Sidney— An Imp. 

Gentleman. 

Chinese. 

Negroes. 

Devils. 

Proserpine— Queen of Hell. 

Sally Bangs — Full of Gushing Love. 

Mr 8. Bangs — Mother to Sally. 

Toadies. 

Dancing Women for the Pilgrims. 

Scene. — N ew York and New Orleans. 

O that some power the gift would give 
The plunderers in our midst who live, 

To see themselves as we all see them, 

Corrupting men, debauching women. 

A new version of Burns. 


UPSIDE DOWN, 


A Sebio, QpMico, Tragjco, Philosico, and Mythilogico Play, in 
Five Acts, with Brilliant Tableaux. 


ACT I. 

SCENE 1.— A small room in a house in the suburbs of New York 
Mrs. Bangs discovered sweeping. 

. Mrs. B. [ Gulling .] Sally, Sally, Sally. I wonder where that lazy 
girl can be. \Calling loud.] You Sal, Sal, I say, where are you? 
Sally [ Without. ] I am here mammy. 

Mrs. B. Come in and do your work then. 

Sally [ Without. ] I will, mammy, when Gus goes. 

Mrs. B. Confound that Gus, he will make my Sal as good for noth- 
ing as he is himself. I must stop this nonsense. [ Calling ] Sal. 

Sally [ Without. ] I am coming mammy. 

Mrs. B. You had better make haste, or I will be after you. [Enter 
Sally.'] What have you been doing with Gus? 

Sally. Nothing mammy. 

Mrs. B. Yes you have, come here; how red your cheeks look. 
You huzzy, Gus has been kissing you. [ Slaps her cheek.] Now, 

take that. 

Sally. He didn’t kiss me there, mammy. 

Mrs. B. He didn’t; did the wretch dare profane your lips ! 

Sally. Gus likes to kiss me mammy. 

Mrs. B. And you like to kiss him, I suppose. 

Sally. It is natural I should, mammy. 

Mrs. B. ’Pon my word that is*too bad; a girl of mine in love, and 
only twenty years old. 

Sally. That is old enough mammy. 

Mrs. B. You think so, do you ? Well I’ll learn you better ; you and 
your lazy father plague me enough without adding one more to my 
misery. What is Gus doing now ? 

Sally. Nothing mammy; he says he can’t find work. 


6 


Upside Down. 


Mrs. B. Bat he can find time to keep you from your Avork. I 
don’t believe \\ r kat he says; there is plenty to do in his trade; but he 
wont work, he likes to hang about you and stuff soft nonsense in 
your head. 

Sally. He don’t do that mammy, he only talks love. 

Mrs. B. What is love but nonsense; havn’t you found that out ? if 
yon havn’t, I can tell you it is. 

Sally. What did you marry for, mammy ? 

Mrs. B. To get a husband, what else do you think ? 

Sally. I thought when people married they were in love. I am so 
happy, mammy, when Gus talks to me. and whispers love in my 
ears. I feel as if I didn’t care for anybody but Gus. 

Mrs. B. Ton my word you are getting hifalutin. I expect you 
Avill soon begin to read novels, then good bye to all work. 

Sally. I don’t expect to work much longer, mammy. Gus says he 
is going to Louisiana to get a sugar plantation ; then I will be a 
planter’s wife, ride in a carriage and eat sugar cane all day long ; I 
will lend you some mammy. 

Mrs. B. You are very kind Sally, but I will teach you a different 
kind of life; go up stairs at once and scrub the garret, then sweep 
down the stairs, and afterwards cook the dinner. 

Sally. I don’t feel like work to-day, mammy, I haven’t got over 
what Gus told me. 

Mrs. B. What did he tell you ? 

Sally. He said he loved me as hard as a horse could kick. 

Mrs. B. That is a new kind of love. 

Sally. No, mammy, Gus says its an old kind. 

Eater Bangs and Gus. 

Banys. Nancy, Gus and I are going to the wars to fight for our 
gallant country. 

Mrs. B. And lose your legs or arms, and maybe your heads; you 
are both good for nothing now, you will be less account when you 
come back. 

Banys. I don’t mean to fight with] guns, Nancy. I will be a 
quarter master, and Gus will be ray clerk; I’ts not Avholsome to 
fight. 

Mrs. B. You are only a quarter of a man now, and that place 
will suit you. 

SaUy, You Avon’t stay long Gus; you know I want to be with you 
all the time. 

Gus. I Avill get a furlough after every fight, Sally; you know my 
heart beats like yours, and it would be cruel to keep u’s long parted. 

Sally. O Gus, you make me feel so happy when you talk in that 
way. It makes the love come gushing out of me; stand aAvay 
. daddy and mammy, and let me embrace my darling Gus (embracing), 
who says I ain’t happy now; don’t forget the plantation Gus, Ave will 
marry when you get it. 

Gus. And if I don’t get it my adorable, Avhat will you do ? 


Upside Down. 


7 


Sally. I will marry you anyhow, but love you more if you get 
the plantation. 

Mrs. B There, do you see that? That is your doings Mr. 
Bangs; what right has a poor girl to be in love and neglect her 
work, to read novels, mope about the house and lose her appetite. 
If you don’t stop it I will; Gus what brings you here to make a fool 
of my girl? 

Gus. I ain’t fooling with Sally, Mrs. Bangs— my attentions be 
hononable, and Sally knows it. 

Sally. To be sure I do, Gus told me so. 

# Bangs. You are too hard on Sally, Mrs. Bangs ; if she is a poor 
girl she has as much right to love as a rich one. 

Mrs. B. I don’t care what you say, Gus may fool you and Sally, 
but he ain’t going to fool me. 

Gus. I don’t meau to fool you, Mrs. Bangs; I love Sally, and I 
can’t help it. 

Sally. Dear Gus, I will go to the end of the world with you if 
your money holds out, and stay on the plantation all my life; I ain’t 
afraid of niggers, Gus. No, I ain’t. 

Gus. My charmer, my charmer! O! the devotion of a heart like 
Sally’s. I feel full of fight Sally; I must and will have a plantation 
for you Sally, peacably if I can — forcibly if I must — thats what 
Shakespeare says. 

Bangs. Embrace me thou man of pluck and muscle, Sally is 
yourn. Mrs. Bangs, I will touch you on a tender spot— I am flush 
to day, let us all dine at Joseys. 

Mrs. B. You know my weakness Mr. Bangs. I am ready. 

{Exeunt. 

SCENE II . — A Cavern in Hell. Proserpine seated, on her throne ; in 
her left hand a bunch of Xaricissuss ; in her right a two forked Trident. 
Sidney in icaiting. 

Pros. Sidney, summon Asmodai to me. (Sidney strikes a gong, 
when Asmodai appears from below, dresssd from head to foot in red.) 
Asmodai, I have unbound your chains to send you on a long journey, 
are you ready ? 

Asm. I am, your majesty. 

Pros. Asmodai, I have inherited from my mother Ceres, who 
obtained from my father Jupiter as her right, the cities of New York 
and New Orieans. .From these two provinces, my best subjects are 
selected. My kingdom must be preserved, and you are my choice to 
people it; your record as my subject is good; you slew the seven 
husbands of Sara, daughter of Raguel at Rages; you are well termed 
a desolator,or a destroying angel, and as such, you are an inheritance 
to my kindom. Be ready Asmodai to follow a lot of Pilgrims, now 
about to leave for New Orleans. The ship is ready to depart, and be 
ye on board in time. 

Asm. I hear and obey \ our majesty. 

Pros. Be careful how you proceed. If your wits want sharpening, 
there is a good Cutler in Jefferson. I have many subjects in that 


8 


Upside Down. 


town, but the Cutler is the head of them all. You will be known 
as the gentlemen in black, and will be made the Grand Mogul of the 
State. Beware that you go not too far. Evil intents and evil 
actions will produce revulsions in favor of virtue, You may gain a 
few subjects, but the masses will rise above you, then all is lost, and 
I the queen of these realmns, destlironed Now depart. ( Asmo - 
dai goes down the trap.) Follow me Sidney. ( She descends from the 
hrone and Exeunt. ) 

SCENE III. — The rear of the stage represents the wharf on the East 
river; a sign hoard reads: For New Orleans, steamer Bed Hover , 
Captain Neptune will sail by steam to-day. 

Enter Captain Neptune with his Tkumpet 

Cap. ( Leaning against the sign board and speaking through his trum- 
pet. ) Passengers for New Orleans w>ll make haste aboard. The tide 
is ebb and the steamer Red Rover will sail immediately if not sooner. 
( Enter Sanco Panza, Don Juan , Ugly Mug, Congress Naught, Red 
Rivet' and Parson Grub, one-half his face and one hand black, each with 
an empty carpet bag arid a woman). 

Sanco. What’s the name of your ship Captain ? 

Cap. The Red Rover, ’Captain Neptune, an old Salt, never 
knew fresh water, will carry you safe if you don’t upset. 

Sanco. But suppose you spill us out ? 

Cap. That won’t hurt you. You have all got punkin heads, and 
they will keep you from sinking. 

Sanco. The sharks might get us. 

Cap. One shark never eats another. 

Sanco. Can we get our lives insured ? * 

Cap. You can’t find an office to fix the value of them. Come 
aboard and help caulk the seams or we may get a ducking. 

Sanco. Is your ship insured Captain ? 

Cap. To be sure she is, she rates A1 to B4. 

Sanco. All right, no danger of our lives now. 

Parson. Captain do you swear ? 

Cap. No; only damn my eyes. 

Cong. Captain do you drink ? 

Cap. No ; will you treat. 

Juan. Captain are you married? 

Cap. No; I’ll borrow one of your wives 

Red. Captain were you ever in a fight? 

Cap. Y T es; I was up Red river where you didn’t fight. 

Ugly. Captain have you a map aboard ? 

Cap. Yes; one of each parish of Louisiana. They cost me 
seventy thousand dollars. A nj more questions gentlemen ? 

Sanco. No more; you will suit us Captain; we will settle onr 
passages aboard. We go out by invitation of the true sons of 
Louisiana, the Niggers. They have made the State, and will vote 
ns in any office we want. 


Upside Down. 


9 


Cap. Avast there, avast there. You say the niggers made the 
State. The factory girls made Lowell and gave old Beil Butler his 
first job. They don’t vote. 

Sanco. I think they ought to vote. 

Cap. I think they ought to marry and produce voters. Parson 
what’s the matter with your face? 

Sanco. The Parson is so fond of the nigger that he is changing 
color. 

Cap. He is all cheek and will soon be black. 

Sanco. What do you think of my friend Congress he was never 
known to blush. 

Cap. He has plenty of cheek on the west side of his face, near 
the point. 

Sanco. You are a wag Captain. 

Cap. You are a knave Sanco. 

Sanco. No; I only hold two offices. 

Lap. Only rogues hold office now, you are a double rogue then. 
Sanco. The State must be governed. 

Cap. It is ungoverned now, ’tis upside down. 

Sanco. When will it get right ? 

Cap. When Proserpine gets you all. 

Sanco. We are too smart for that. 

Cap. The devil is smarter. 

(Asmodai appears at the side dressed in black, he takes snuff, they al 
sneeze. 

Parson. Whew, what a smell of brimstone ! 

• Sanco. That is a natural smell for you Parson. 

All. Brimstone, brimstone (holding their noses ) . 

Cap. What are you lubbers at there ? 

Parson. Don’t you smell brimstone Captain ? 

Cap. Smell hell no. I never smell any thing but salt water; the 
devil must be after you all. 

Parson. I think so, let us all go aboard. 

Ugly. Not till we have a song. 

All. A song, a song, a song from Sanco. 

Sanco. Captain will you wait till we have a song ? 

Cap. Yes, bear a hand, but don’t raise a squall. 

Sanco. Gentlemen I’ll sing you our party song, you can all join 
in the chorus. 

All. All right, go ahead Sanco. 

Sanco (sings). 

Abe Lincoln got his dander up 
In eighteen sixty-three, 

And swore he’d break the Rebels down 
And make the niggers free. 

Chorus. 

O Louisiana ! let us go to you , 

We will plunder well your . State, and rob your people too. 


10 


Upside Down. 


The proclamation soon came out, 

And went off very well; 

The niggers were made white by it, 

But the’re fast going to hell. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

Three hundred thousand men or more 
Went in the field to fihgt. 

They banged each other right and left 
With all their main and might. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

Dave Porter with his mortar fleet 
Had full swing at Fort Jackson, 

He threw his shells plum through the walls, 

And they lodged in the caisons. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

Dan Farragut with wooden ships 
He went up the Mississippi, 

He took a town of goodly size ; 

They call the Crescent City. 

O Louisiana, etc 

Ben Butler marshaled forth his men, 

And went up the river soon ; 

He cocked his eye and cracked a joke, 

And fobbed a silver spoon. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

Old Cockey marched about the town, 

As quiet as a mouse, 

He made his boasts and brags that he 
Had a spy in every house. 

0 Louisiana, etc. 

He hung three men, and banished more 
To regions f ir away; 

They broke his lines, and came through swamps, 
And away they would not stay. 

0 Louisiana, etc. 

He knocked the consuls all about, 

And took lots of silver ware; 

But Seward took his pen in hand, 

And brought Ben up to the square. 

O Louisiana, etc. 


Upsid3 Down. 


11 


Banks went then out, in the North Star, 

To gather a fresh trophy. 

He shouldered arms, in the embrace 
Of the charming, gallant Sophie. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

He went straight up the river Red, 

To stop the Rebs from bragging; 

But Dick turned out, and whipped him off, 

And took his baggage wagon. 

0 Louisiana, etc. 

Back came his men by boat and rail — 

Banks followed in the van. 

His soldiers went to voting quick, 

And made governor, Michael Hahn. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

We’ll make the niggers vote, my boys, 

In every ward in town, 

And stuff the ballot boxes well, 

For the State is upside down. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

Now let us all to New Orleans, 

And get what we can make; 

Provisions there, are very cheap — - 
They charge ten cents for cake. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

(During the song, they pick each other’s pockets. At the end- 
they dance several times around the stage, to the tune of the chorus. 
Asmodai playing the violin. As they are passing out, the Captain 
bawls through his trumpet: Passengers to the right, baggage to the 
left. The men go to the right, the women to the left; Asmodai follows 
and throws snuff in the face of the Captain, who sneezes violently, 
then passes out to go on the vessel, ) 

Enter Gus and Sally, Me. and Mes. Bangs. 

Gus. Are you the Captain of the Red Rover ? 

Cap. Yes, when I get done sneezing. 

Gus. I and Mr. Bangs want to take a passage on board. 

Cap. Do you want to go as freight ? 

Gus. Of course not. 

Cap. Then you take two passages. 

Gus. Me and Bangs can sleep in one berth. 

Cap. You may have one body, but you have two mouths. 


12 


Upside Down. 


Gus. Are you read y to go ? 

Cap. Yes, waiting on you. 

Sally. O, Gus, dont go; I can't live without you. 

Gus. My duck, you want a plantation, don’t 3 T ou ? 

Sally. Yes, Gus, but I want you too; my heart strings are ready 
to burst at the thoughts of your going away. 

Gus. O Sally, Sally! I will be a lonely wanderer without you; the 
mules may kick me; and the buzzards may devour me in that bar- 
barous State of Louisiana. 

Sally. 0! O! O! I can’t bear to hear any more. (Shrieks and 
falls on the stage— they all bend over her.) 

Mr. B. What in the world is the matter with the girl ? Sal, get 
up, and don’t make a fool of yourself. 

Sally. (Rising. ) Is Gus gone ? 

Gus. No my chicken, I am here. 

Sally. Embrace me, Gus, and sen 1 me some sugar cane. 

Gus. Yes, my pigeon. (Exeunt with Bangs and Cap. ) 

Sally. Mammy, support me home. ( Exeunt with Mrs. Bangs.) 

ACT II. 

SCENE I. — 1 he Levee. New Orleans. A tall box marl ed Post 
Office in the centre of the stage. 

Civil Cods. Magnus Apollo. Lame Jervis. Marc Anthony. 
Flying Dutchman, Pinch Bowl, and others in waiting. 

Civil. Here we are, a motley crowd, to receive our friends from 
the north; they come loaded with wisdom if nothing else; they are 
necessary for the success of our party, and I trust, gentlemen, you 
will not attempt to make a display of your wisdom, but, keep in the 
back ground, and let me show off the learning I possess. I promise 
you a rich treat. I am an old politician, geutlemen — stood high in 
the state once, if I stand low now. I am a judge of printing, gen- 
tlemen; and of printer’s tools. There is one gentleman in the party 
coming out that I can freely use; his name is D an Juan. Don’t be 
afraid of your wives, gentlemen, he has seven already; enough for 
any moderate man. 

Pinch. I am a fair sample of my race, gentlemen ; represent their 
good and bad deeds. Their good deeds consists in getting all the 
money they can; their bad deeds, consists in getting other people's 
money. Gentlemen, my dander rises when I think of the wrongs of 
my countrymen. They have all the fat offices in the gifts of the 
people, and the cry is still for more. Gentlemen, I am a barber by 
profession, and a colored man by occupation. I was happy when 
giving a shave. I am unhappy with the care of stale on my shoul- 
ders, and will go out of the world no whiter then I came into it. 
Dam the rebels, they are to blame. 

Magnus. I grieve at the sorrows of my friend Pinch, and regret 
that when I had the chance I didn’t plaster myself white like he is, 
it is such a convenient color for us colored men. When we want 


Upside Down. 


13 


the black men’s vote, we say ye belong to his race; when we want 
the white men’s we swear we are of liis blood; gentlemen the law 
made me white, but I am still black. 

Pity the sor: ows of the poor black man, 

And the Lord preserve him from Don Juan; 

Don Juan with his wives number seven 
Are trying their best to keep him from Heaven. 

Poetry has struck me at last if I am black; I will go down at once 
to the Straight University and get our chaplain, Sam Chew to read 
these verses to our colored brethren there assembled for worship. 

Marc. Hold your horses Magnus, and listen while I speak; you 
don’t like being black; I am proud of my color if I did shave 
niggers. I have the cares of the State on me, that is nothing; I get 
paid out and in doors and can afford to be liberal to the white folks ; 
black is only skin deep, and if we enforce our social equalitj T laws all 
the black will drop off our faces and leave us as white as the driven 
snow 

Jarvis. Bravo, bravo, I will give you a judgment to keep you 
white, that is law only; but I will give you a remedy to make you 
white, and that is what you are all hankering after; you are an 
imitative race. Each of you stand in an earthen pot half filled 
with vinegar; you must be covered with the pots, and exposed to a 
gentle heat from a sand bath or a manure heap; the vapor of the 
vinegar assisted by the tendency of the skin to combine with the 
oxygen which is present, corrodes the skin which drops off and you 
stand forth to the world as free born white American citizens. 

Magnus. What a discovery ! Jervis you have saved our race and 
I will send to Washington for a patent at once. 

Marc. And I will draw up a bill and have it passed without 
delay. The title will be — The Crescent City Live Stock, Fertilizing. 
Sanitary, Spasmodic, Reconstruction Association of the State of 
Louisiana, in the city of New Orleans. 

Dutch. Goot, I vil take schtock in dat. 

Marc. Dutch you are always putting your foot in it. 

Dutch. Yel spose I does, it is pig enuf. 

Civil, Gentlemen, I am amazed at the extent of the discovery; 
but there is a part left unfinished ; my friend Jervis has given you a 
remedy to be whit9 men, but what is to be done with the wool, it 
will kink at both ends and is hard to draw out; now, gentlemen, 
in my researches on the art of printing, I have discovered that hair 
constitutes the covering of the skin, and it is of a vegetable nature; 
the same applies to wool; black hair, gentlemen, has a white 
concrete oil in it; and red hair, gentlemen, has a red concrete oil in 
it. Now, gentlemen, if you say the word, my friend Jarvis will 
operate on yon and make you white, and I will make your wool as 
red as a blood beet, when it is boiled, cr give it the color of a half 
long carrot fresh from the ground; what say you, Magnus, shall I 
begin with you ? 


B 


14 


Upside Down. 


Magnus , Yes my worthy friend, if you are not of my race you 
ought to be; experiment with me until you succeed; give me a white 
skin and a red head, and you will make me the Grand Mogul of the 
State. 

Civil. I will take care to burn it then. ( Aside. ) Hark ! music 
in the distauce. 

• Pilg. ( Outside singing the chorus of their song ) 

Civil It is the Pilgrims, and here they come ! 

(Enter Sarico Panza , Don Juan , Ugly Mug , Congress Naught , Bed 
Biver and Parson Grub, each with an empty carpet bag, Captain Nep- 
tune following with his trumpet. They all stand in Hue on one side of 
the stage, except the Captain, who is in the rear. ) 

Civil. Welcome, thrice welcome to our noble State, thou men 
of shallow brains and empty bags. We have long looked for you, 
and our hearts have yearned at your long absence; but you are now 
with us, and together will we dwell in peace and harmony. Which 
of you is Don Juan ? 

Juan. I am here, my worthy friend. 

Civl. Let us embrace. (They embrace and pick each others 
pockets. ) 

Asmodai appears at the side. 

Magnus. Whew, what a smell of brimstone ! ( They all hold their 

noses.) Gentlemen, I hope you are not from the lower regions. 

Sanco. No, sir, we are from New York. The Parson here is 
familiar with that smell. 

Mag. Is that Parson Grub? Let me embrace him, he is half 
my color. 

Sanco. And will be the other half when he gets hold of the 
schools. 

Parson. Come to my arms my brother. (As they go to embrace, 
Asmodai takes snuff and they all sneeze.) 

Cap. (Through his trumpet.) Keep quiet you lubbers and fork 
out your passages. 

Sanco. We will be all right in a little while Captain; these 
gentlemen will make an appropriation for us out of the coffers of the 
fetate. 

Cap. The State and you all be damned. 

Parson. Not yet awhile Captain, we have not made any thing 
yet. 

Cap. Then make haste about it and go in the cake business. 

Mag. Is the Parson fond of cakes. 

Sanco. You would think so. ( Takes one from his pocket.) 

Civil. Gentlemen don’t be alarmed, we will make it all right and 
fill your bags; plenty of speculation gentlemen; railroads in abun- 
dance, plantations in abundance and Ship Island dirt cheap; keep 
quiet Captain until we operate, and work some of our famous bills 


Upside Down. 


15 


through; these Northern gentlemen have come to assist us in our 
good work; bless the day they thought of Louisiana. Heaven will 
reward them. 

Cap. And hell will get them. 

(Asmodai plays a lively tune on the violin; they all dance; after they 
finish Asmodai enters.) 

Asm. Gentlemen this incumbrance on the levee must be 
removed; the law has reduced the time to 24 hours, it must go off. 

May. That’s my property, sir, and it can’t go. 

Asm. I tell you it must go. 

Mag. It shan’t go. ( Takes hold of a handle on one side, Asmodai 
takes the other and they pull it both sides of the stage to lively music. 
Asmodai lets go and the box falls on Magnus, Asmodai disappears 
through the trap, Magnus gets up and puts Hie box in its place.) 

Parson. The devil, what a smell of brimstone ! 

Sanco. Brimstone will be the death of you yet, Parson. 

Civil. Are you hurt friend Magnus ? 

Mag. Not bad, I may get over it; but I have saved my property. 

Civil. Never mind, you will have my support next time. Gentle- 
men we have provided for you all. Parson you take charge of the 
schools, and if you can mix oil and water, you can put black and 
white together. 

Parson. My friend, it is difficult for me to determine my own 
casts, and to be certain I will put all colors together. 

Civil. Congress, you go to Washington and put up with the outside 
barbarians. I am sorry the newspapers have overhauld your 
early piety r ; but misrepresent the people of the South, and you may 
out live all evil tongues. 

Cong. Damn the people of the South. I live at 274 Buncum 
street, and am ready for any messages between the hours of -1 and 2 
A. M.. either Hostile, Pacific or Chattanooga. 

Sanco. Well its good to have one fighting man with us. 

Civil. Now for my friend Bon Juan; he must have a soft place to 
provide for his Seven Wives; I believe you have a militiary record 
Bon. 

Juan. Yes, equal to Banks, Butler and Siegal; but it was never 
found out. 

Civil. What a pity, but you will now have a chance to try your 
pluck, and meet a foe worthy of your well tried steel. My friend, 
we are surrounded by rebels committing rebel deeds and raising up 
rebel chrildren to be as rebellious as they are. I will quote you 
some verses to remind you of the volcano you are standing over: 
“The rebel dales, the rebel vales 
With rebel trees surrounded, 

The distant woods, the hills and floods 
With rebel echoes sounded.” 

Now, sir, if you are not afraid, take charge of the rank and file of 
the State; some of the rank are a little rank I admit, especially on a 
hot day; but you will fatten on it, even as a cabbage fattens over a 
bed of earth, rich with manure. 


16 


Upside Dowx. 


Bon. My sword and purse are at the service of my adopted State. 
Is there any pay in it Civil ? 

Civil. No, but we make pay out of every thing. 

Banco. Another fighting man in our crowd. Whose afraid now ? 

Civil. Red, you were a gallant hero on a disastrous cotton stealing 
expedition, but you remain remakably cool under it; never mind, we 
will help you out in your printing operations, and get you paid for 
your Jefferson speculation, even if some of the bonds are spurious. 
Sanco Panza you are a man of parts if you are fat, we will give you 
an easy berth. 

Sanco. I want two easy berths. 

Civil. Well, you shall have them. Ugly Mug make a map of 
your face, the State will pay for it, and to help out the job make 
one for each parish; and now gentlemen let us consider who shall be 
the Grand Mogul. 

(Asmodai appears, at the sides and at the same moment a box comes 
up the trap labelled Customhouse. ) 

Pinch. Avaunt and quit my sight ! Look ! there is treason in our 
midst. 

Mag. Let us make short work of the fellow, and all kick at once. 
( They crowd around the box and each raises a foot to kick,ichen 
Asmodai plays the violin, they all dance about on one foot.) 

Cap. What the hell are you all hopping about for. Are you 
playing circus? 

Pineh We can’t get rid of the fellow in that way ; let us take him 
up and throw him in the river. ( They all move towards the box, when 
Asmodai takes snuff; they all sneeze .) 

Cap. Pass some of your tobacco this way lubbers. 

Mag. Let the thing alone, it can’t do any harm, we may convert 
the owner of it. 

Civil. Now who shall be our Grand Mogul? 

Pinch. My choice is T. {Asmodai makes him sneeze.) 

Mag. My choice is T. (Asmodai' makes him sneeze.) 

Marc. My choice is T. ( Asmodai makes him sneeze . ) 

Civil. I have no particular choice gentlemen— who shall it be. 

Voice. ( Outside. ) Asmodai. 

Civil. That’s the name gentlemen; he’s from the West. 

Cap. You lie ! he’s a New York d . ( Asmodai starts him 

sneezing. 

Civil. Never mind that old sea dog, let us be unanimous in our 
choice. 

All. That’s the ticket. 

Civil. Now gentlemen, let us go to our wigwam and make laws for 
the good of mankind, and for the benefit of ourselves. By the way, 
Parson, go to the hall and get the school money, it belongs to the 
city; but we passed a law to give it to us— pay your passages out of 
it. Captain go with the Parson; come a long gentlemen. (Exeunt.) 


Upside Down. 


17 


SCENE 2 — A room in the wigwam , 

Enter Sam, Chew and Abeam. 

Sam. Now Abram, you must jine our party. 

Abm. Sara, dere’s no use talkin’ dat way. I didn’t cum to de city 
to jine your party, but I cum to find dat nigger Gray. Master 
tinks sum of dem wite fokes have ticed him away. 

Sam. Why lor bless you, don’t you know Gray is got a big of- 
fice, he’s got book lamin’ in him and may be a great man. Look at 
me, Abram, I isn’t got any book larnin, but my feller citizens made 
me de chaplin; I has plenty to eat and drink, Abram, and all I 
dose is to make one prare a day to keep all de members from 
stealin. 

Abm. Dose de prare keep you from stealin, Sam? 

Sam. I dosn’t no bout dat, Abram, de fit gits in me sumtimes, 
and den ise like a little baby dat neber was born, I dosn’t no wat I 
dose. 

Abm. Dat’s jist like 'you, Sam; you dosn’t improve wid your ’so- 
ciation wid de wite man. 

Sam. Go along, Abram, you dos’nt no nuttin bout it; de wite 
man’s good, he makes me wat I is. 

Abm. Yes Sam, he does dat to make heself. Now Sam, go back 
wid me to de plantation; master will do you well. 

Asmodai appears at the side. 

Sam. I hasn’t got no master, but — 

Voice [outside'] Asmodai! 

Sam. Who’s dat talkin’ dere ? 

Abm. I dosn’t no, I didn’t hear nobody. 

Enter Guts and John Sulkey. 

Guts, Your sarvent, chaplin, me and John has been to de skule3, 
we is bof dricturs. 

Abm. Dus you put de cullered and de wite boys and gals toged- 
der? 

Guts. Sartin, sir, sartin; we is all one culler, and wat de black 
chile learns de wite chile learns, and dey mus git long togedder. 

Abm. I spose you tinks bout marryin wid de wite fokes ? 

Sam. To be sure we dose, ise inkline dat way myself. 

Abm. Look here, Sam, you nose dat Shangi rooster of master’s? 

Sam. Well, spose I dose. 

Abm. You no, master let him run wid de hens and de eggs was 
de culler ob de sideboard, and dey hatch good big chickens, but 
dem chickens lay most de same eggs, but you no see dem hatch. 
Now wat’s de reason ob all dat ? 

Sam. Case dey don’t want to hatch. 

Abm. Dat’s not it, Sam, you nose dey is all chickens; Master sais 
de’s a nudder race, and two nudder races neber brings anyting up 
in de world. 

Sam. Wat you talk bout races for; we is talkin bout chickens ? 

Abm. I dosn’t mean dat kind of race wid horses, but de races of 
man; de wite man be one race and de cullered man be nudder. 

B 2 


18 


Upside Down- 


Now Sam, if you wants to. marry and have plenty children, mem- 
ber de Shangi. 

Enter Civil Code, Sanco and Parson. 

Civil. Brother Chew, I have brought Parson Grub, who desires to 
be introduced to our worthy chaplain. 

Sam. Is dat Parson Grub, de gemmen of de skules, dat gives 
cakes to de childin? 

Far son. The same, brother Chew. 

Sam. Let me embrace you then! [ As they embraee Sam pulls a 
cake out of the Parson's pocket, ami the Parson pulls a chicken out of 
Sam's."] 

Sanco. You seem to be in the poultry line, chaplain. 

Sam. Dat is de hebenly dove you reads about in de skriptures; 
he foilers me werever I gose. Bredren, let us unite in de prare. 

[As they bow their heads Asmodai plays the violin; they all begin 
dancing. ] 

Civil. Let us go to our wigwam and pray in peace. 

[.4s they go did, Asmodai starts them sneezing.] 

ACT III. -Year 1872. 

SCENE 1 — A room in Mr. Thompson’s ho use. 

Enter Gus anil Sally. Gus in uniform, Sally eating sugar-ome. 

Gus. Sally, if you don’t quit eating so much cane you will take 
# sick, and then you may die. 

Sally. Dear Gus, what would you do without me ? 

Gus. I don’t know, Sally, maybe I would marry agin. 

Sally. Catch me dying, if you do that, Gus. 

Gus. Why Sally, if I was to die, you would marry agin. 

Sally. I don’t think I would, Gus ; I don’t feel like it now ; why- 
don’ t you take your soldier clothes off, there is no war now ? 

Gus. I keep em on , Sally, to frighten old Thompson ; he’s trying 
to git back his plantation, but he can’t come it. 

Sally. What an impudent feller he is to try and get this planta- 
tion from the true and lawful owner ; why Gus, you bought it. 

Gus. Yes, but I never paid for it, Sally. 

Sally. That makes no difference, tan’t everybody pays for planta- 
tions when they buy them. O, Gus, what will I do if you lose 
your plantation ? I loved you, Gus, till you got it, and I love you 
w T hile you keep it, but if you lose it, I won’t promise, no I won’t 
Gus. 

Gus. Sally, this plantation doings don’t pay; the niggers won’t 
work unless I pay them, and you eat up all the profit, Sally. 

Sally. I havn’t eaten much sugar-cane, Gus. 

Gus. Only enough to make about ten hogsheads, let alone the 
molasses. 

Sally. Sugar-cane is very good, I am so fond of it, Gus; you 
don’t love me any more , and I must love something. 


Upside Down. 


19 


Ch.cs. You needn’t go on so about it, Sally, you don’t expect peo- 
ple to love all tlieir lives, they must have a little rest. 

Sally. Jist like you men, you steal our hearts and swear about 
Cupid and them other fellers. Your friend Don Juan has con- 
verted you, and you want to play Mormon; but you shan’t do it; 
you sent my daddy home, and here I am, lonely and desolate. O, 
Gus, you have broke my heart, but I’ll split yours if you don’t 
love me and give me all the sugar-cane I can eat. 

Gus. Come to my arms, my dearest duck, you have conquered 
me at last. Conscience avaunt! Gus is himself again! 

Sally. O, Gus, Gus, Gus, what a heart you came near breakin’; 
but you are at the stool of repentance, and I forgive you. 

Gus. My dearest dumpling! 

Sally. Yes, Gus, you are now as you was afore our marriage; then 
your heart would bust open to me; then you would tell me of love, 
plantations and sugar-cane; now you’ve got the plantation, and 
you must keep it. 

Gus I will if I can, Sally, but when you butt up agin the law- 
yers, they knock you over if you havn’t got plenty of money, and 
you know', Sally, its scarce with me. 

Sally. Jist like you, w’hy didn’t you go in with the Pilgrims that 
came on the big ship with you ? Y*hey’ve all got rich. 

Gus. Sally, I scorns politics; them fellers w r ent on the general 
system, I only took a plantation. 

Sally. And you can’t keep it. Gus, Gus, you is not the man I 
took you for; you is not speculative and you may end your days in 
sorrow'. Think of it, Gus, w T hen you and I gits old, nothin' to fall 
back on, nothin’ to keep the w r olt out of the door, nothin’ to give 
our children, when we gits em, an edication; but here we is, own 
a plantation, and can’t keep it. 

G us. O, Sally, Sally, you have struck the tender cord, I will bust 
it if I don’c keep the plantation. 

Enter Don Juan. 

Juan. My worthy friend, I have only a lew' moments to spare, 
my boat has just landed and is on the shore, but my bark is on the 
sea. I called to see you, Sally, before I go away, but as Gus is 
here, I’ve nothing to say. 

Sally. You are not going to leave us, Don. 

Juan. To be sure I am. I have made my pile and start off to- 
night. Captain Neptune will wait for me; but, Sally, I have an 
important message to deliver to you. 

Sally. Well, say your say at once. 

Juan. I can’t say it before Gus. 

Gus. No matter, I won’t hear, as I am- going to the sugar-house. 

[Exit] . 

Juan. Sally, you know how I love you. 

Sally. Well, what if you do, jou are not the first one w r ho has 
told me so. 


20 


Upside Down. 


Juan . Sally, I will be miserable in going 'away and leaving you 
behind. 

Sally. You had better stay then. 

Juan. I can’t do it, Sally, love keeps me here, and love calls me 
away. 

Sally. What a convenient man you are. 

Juan. Yes, Sally, I am full of love. All is fish comes to my net. 

Sally. You are try in’ to hook me, then. 

Juan. No, Sally, I am out of bait. 

Sally. You had better go then, and try your luck in another 
quarter. 

Juan. I will, Sally, but before I go you must kiss me, as I never 
expect to see you again. 

Sally. That is the very reason I won’t kiss you. 

Juan. How cruel you are, Sally. 

Sally. How foolish you are, Don Juan. I have one man to love, 
and that is as much as any woman ought to have, especially in hard 
times. 

Juan. Don’t talk about hard times, they are easy with me; only 
shop-keepers complain. Sally, we politicians always have enough, 
and my pile is as big as any of them. 

Sally. You have committed enough sin to have it larger than any 
of your gang. I wanted Gas to jine you, and he is not tender 
footed as you know, but he said you were too strong for his stomach. 

Juan. We have done much good, Sally. 

Sally. For yourselves, I don’t doubt; for anybody else you have 
been a curse. Now what do you want with me ? 

Juan. To say I love you, and to kiss you. 

Sally. Well, you may say it as much as you please, but if you want 
to kiss me ask Gus, I am his property. 

Juan. No, I won’t ask anybody, I will steal one. [ Attempts io 
kiss her ; she slaps his face. ] A man to do that would be his 
death. 

Sally. Lord bless you, Don Juan, you wouldn’t hurt a poodle 
dog. If you like I will tell Gus, and you may try your pluck on 
him. 

Juan. No, never mind, I am going now, Sally. I expect to be 
sea-sick. 

Sally. Well, what if you are, I won’t suffer. 

Enter Gus. 

Juan. Gus, we were talking about you. I leave to-night for New 
York. I have various reasons for going there. The most import- 
ant is I am played out here. 

Sally. The people was vey foolish ever to let you play in. 

Juan. Lord bless you, Sally, it was not the people did that; it 
was my colored fellow-citizens. 

Gus. Who is going with you in the ship? 

Juan. All my fellow Pilgrims. 


Upside Down. 


21 


Gus. Did you all make much ? 

Juan. Yes ; we couldn’t make any more; we busted the city, and 
we busted the State, and we now leave the citizens to gather up the 
fragments. I wish them a jolly time of it. Good bye, Gus, the 
bell is ringing; good bye, Sally, I am sorry I couldn’t stay any 
longer. [Exit. 

Sally. I am sorry you staid as long as you did; Gus, that fellow 
tried to kiss me, but I didn’t let him. 

Gus. That’s right, Sally; don’t make j r ourself cheap, 

Sally. You may fear yourself, Gus, but you needn’t fear me. 

Enter Abeam. 

Gus. What do you want, old man ? 

Abram. I is looking for you, sar. 

Gus. Well, what do you want ? 

Abram. My master sent you dis, sar. [ Giving a letter. 

Gus. Who is your master ? 

Abram. De owner of dis plantation, sar. 

Sally. You must be crazy, old man. 

Abram. No mam, I isn’t crazy, I is Abram. 

Gus. W T hat does your master want with me ? 

Abram. Dat paper, sar, sais de plantation is his’n. 

Gus. Let me read, United States Circuit Court, (reads to himself ) 
Sally ! 

Sally. Gus ! 

Gus. I am done gone up. 

Sally. 0 Gus ! Gus ! Gus ! support me. [Falls in his arms. 

Abram. Dat woman’s ’fected. [Aside. 

Gus. Stand up Sally till I damn the court and all the lawyers. 
Sally. Will that give us back the plantation ? 

Gus. If it dont, Sally, it will make me feel better. I’m bilin’ 
over, Sally; I feel like eaten somebodj". Old man, shall I begin 
with you ? 

Abram. I isn’t fraid of you, sar. 

Gus. It’s well you isn’t, old man, I might do you damage. 

Abram. Master will be here drectly. He sais you may stay in 
one of de cabins till de boat comes long. 

Sally. Old man, will you bring me some sugar cane ? 

Abram. Yes, missus, I brings you a big pile on de bote. 

Gus. Come Sally. Damn the plantation. I wish I had staid in 
the city and helped my friend, Don Juan to plunder the damn 
rebels. [Exit. 

SCENE 2 . — The Levee, New Orleans. The levee presents a desolate 
appearance. Negroes in rags, laying about ; the St. Charles Hotel in 
ruins, seen in the distance. The loicer markets falling in the river, 
and other buildings in a dilapidated condition. A sign-board posted 
in the rear, reads, Steamer Bed Bover, for Netv York, off to-day, if 
passengers pay up. 


22 


Upside Down. 


Enter, Cap. Neptune with his trumpet. Stands in the rear, his back 

to the sign. 

Cap. [Through his trumpet.] Passengers will please burry up, 
if they want to get to New York by telegraph time. No wires used 
in this line. 

Pilgrims. [ Outside , singing.] 

0 Louisiana, 

We will go from yum; 

We have plundered well your State, 

And robbed your people, too. 

O Louisiana, etc. 

Caj). There they come ! lots of passengers now; plenty of plun- 
der with these fellows ; enough to sink my ship and all the ships in 
port. 

Enter Don Juan with six wives, white and black, Sanco Panza, 
Ugly Mug, Congress Naught, Red River and Parson Grub, all 
with full carpet bags. They are followed by Magnus Appolo, Pinch 
Bowl and Marc Antony, with their faces and hands a pure white and 
their wool bright red. Guts, Civil Code and Lame Jervis, also enter. 

Sanco. Hallo Captain, are you about ? 

Cap. Yes; I have to be to watch you. 

Parson. Captain, are your berths clean ? 

Cap. Yes, until you get in them. How is the cake business, 
Parson ? 

. Parson. Damn the cake business, it broke me. 

Cap. You had a big fund to fall back on; and why didn’t you 
break your head at the same time; then there would have been a 
jubilee. 

Cong. Don’t be so hard on the Parson, Captain, he hasn’t found 
out his color yet. 

Civil. Gentlemen, don’t speak of color, it is against the law; we 
are all white and we are all black, so the laws say. 

Guts. Dat is what I tries to tell ’em in de skuies, but dey doesn’t 
believe it. 

Jervis. But they must be made to believe it. If I give a judg- 
ment that black is white, the people must agree with me, because 
it’s the law, and we made the law. Our laws have made you all 
rich, gentlemen; look at the desolation around you. The St. 
Charles Hotel in ruins, the markets tumbling in the river; all this 
comes from our laws, gentlemen, and I glory in the enforcement of 
them. Damn the rebels. 

Civil. You have touched the right chord in my heart, Jervis; I 
welcomed you all to this country, to help make our laws, and if you 
sold your votes and got rich, it’s nobody’s business. The people 
out here are old fogies; they rvere satisfied in paying low taxes and 
getting improvements; now we make them pay high taxes with no 
improvements. Damn the rebels. 


Upsid3 Down. 


23 


Cong. Gentlemen, I still live at 274 Buncum street; and any man 
says I am not a gentleman, I don’t care a dam who he is. 

Juan. Gentlemen, I am a soldier, fought gallantly for my country; 
in time of war I was made a corporal , and you all know the duties 
of a corporal, gentlemen. In time of peace, I was made a general; 
think of that gentlemen, made a general for services rendered my 
master. 

Parson. Gentlemen, I did the praying for the whole army, many a 
soul did I save after they were killed. Gentlemen, the black man 
has a soul, but when he is resurected he is a white man. Gentlemen, 

I am gradually changing color from my affinity with the black man , 
but he sells my cake, and charges ten cents a piece. 

Magnus. Gentlemen, If the Parson is changing color one way, I 
am changing in another; he is getting black — I am now full white, 
thanks to my friends Jervis and Civil Code for their new inventions. 
Gentlemen, it is not only the color of my face and wool that is 
changed, but I am getting like the Pilgrims, now about to leave us; 
and who taught us how to steal; a strong propensity to hold public 
offices, and fill my extra pockets with Uncle Samuels promises to 
pay — their example is catching. 

Asmodai appears at the side. 

Pinch. I must have my say now. You Pilgrims came here poor 
and needy ; we put you in power, and put our old masters out. Now 
Pilgrims, you have stolen so much that the people have started on 
you, and put you all out of office; and if you are not off soon, they 
will put you out of town. Now, what are we poor blacks to do ? Who 
is to protect us and fill our pockets like your own ? 

Sanco. Go to Washington, and bawl out the Rebels and Klu Klux 
are after you — your cry will be heard; they protect such dear little 
innocents as you all are. I owe the rascals a grudge for turning us 
out of office, and breaking up our virtuous party. One year more, 
and all the property in the state would have been ours, our Grand 
Mogul began to get honest, and that upset us; our party only held 
together, as Calhoun would say, by the cohesive power of publie 
plunder, and now we are dished. 

Mag. I beleive I will join the opposite party. 

Sanco. You had better; we have no further use for you; you 
served our purpose, and you may now go. 

Congress. I may want you again, my colored fellow citizens; don’t 
mind what Sanco says; you will find me at 274 Buncum street 

Cap. What the hell are you all quarrelling about ? Come aboard, 
you are all ot one color. 

Sanco. No we ain’t, Captain; that game is played out. 

Cap. Yes, yes, all played out together. 

Enter Sam Chew and Abram. 

Sanco. Here comes Sam Chew. How are you Sam ? 

Sam. Who is you talkin to ? I is your chaplin. 

Sanco. You didn’t do us much good, Sam. 


* 


24 


Upside Down. 


Sam, You was to far gone wen I fust seed you. 

Sanco. What brought you here, Sam? 

Sam. To sing de hallaloda when you gone 

Sanco. You had better begin now. ( Asnioiaiplays ] the violin — they 
all dance except Abram and Captain.') 

Sam. Wy you no dance, Abram ? 

Abram. Dat foot don’t dance, and toder foot don’t dance; I dosen’t 
dance to dat music. (Asmodai takes snuff — they all sneeze except 
Abram and Captain, ) 

Sam. Wy dosen’t you sneeze, Abram ? 

Abram. I dosen’t like drt nose tabac. 

Cip. Come this way old fellow, and let the rascals have it out, 
( Abram goes to Captain.) Come aboard lubbers, and bring your 
tobacco with you; never' mind your fiddle, the sea will make you 
dance without music. 

Parson. Before we go, Sanco, what do you say for a song ? 

Sanco. No; let us Pilgrims have a dance, a regular break down, 
we are six, just enough for Juan’s six wives. Juan, where is your 
other wife; we want her for Civil Code. 

Juan, I disposed of her, Sanco. 

Civil. Never mind me, gentlemen, I will guide you; bring in the 
music. (Magnus, Pinch Bowl, Marc Anthony and Guts go out, and 
return. Magnus with trombone; Pinch with trumpet ; Marc with violin, 
and Guts with base-drum.) Now, gentlemen, you will go one side, 
and you, ladies, the other. They form and dance a regular break 
down. Asmodai plays, and starts all dancing, except Abram and 
Captain. The curtain falls while dancing. 

ACT IV.— YEAR 1873. 

SCENE 1 — A room in Mrs. Bangs’ house. 

Enter Mbs. Bangs and Sally. 

Mrs. B. Sally, did you get tired playin’ lady on a plantation ? 

Sally. No, mammy, I never got tired, sugar-cane is so good. 

3frs. B. Why didn’t you bring some with you ? 

Sally. I did, mammy, bring a big pile, but I eat it all up. 

Mrs. B. Jist like you, Sally, you never thought of me. 

Sally. Yes, mammy, I did, after I eat it all up. 

Mrs. B. Well, never mind, -what's Gus goin’ to do? 

Sally. I believe he’s goin’ to board with you. 

Mrs. B. Has he any money ? 

Sally. No, mammy, but he has some silverware. 

Mrs. B. Everybody comes away from the South with silverware; 
where in the world did the people there git it all ? 

Sally. I expect they bought it mammy. I don’t think it growed, 
the ground is too poor. 

Mrs. B. How does molasses grow, Sally ? 

Sally. Jist like sugar, mammy. 

Mrs. B. Well how does sugar grow? 


Upside Down. 


25 


Sally. In a big stick like your broom-stick. I doesn’t know how 
Gus got it out, but I got it out with my teeth when I felt like it. 

Mrs. B. They must have plenty dentists in Louisiana to grind up 
so many sticks. 

Sally. No, mammy, the dentists don’t grind it, they only fix the 
grinders. 

Mrs. B. Is that all they do ? 

Sally. That is all, mammy, except the prise. 

Mrs. B. I am satisfied, Sally, but tell me what you call creowls 
and quadmoons? 

Sally. The creowl is a white baby with a white daddy and mammy 
that gits married by a Priest like Gus and me. The quadmoon is 
different black colors, I mean the babies, their daddys and mam- 
my s jump over a broom-stick when they gits married. Its a funny 
way, ain't it, mammy? 

Mrs. B. Very funny and very wicked; that’s the reason the peo- 
ple out South can’t git the reconstruction in em. They wants peo- 
ple to rule that are born as we all is down in the North; yes, and 
born in an honest way, if some of us is poor. 

Sally. Gus often said if they would let the white people alone and 
keep ofi them politick fellers sent there to steal, they would make 
the country as rich as cream agin. Gus says he’s goin to jine church 
for all the harm he did em, but the man got his plantation back, 
and there’s the end of it, 

Mrs. B. Where is Gus now, Sally V 

Sally. He said he would go look for the ship that took out the 
Pilgrims, and is bringin back the same fellows as plunderers. He 
must have found em, for here he is. 

Eater Gus. 

Gus. Sally, I’ve got news for you. 

Sally. Out with it, Gus. 

Gus. You know; that feller dressed in black I told you was on our 
ship. 

Sally. Yes, I know. 

Gus. He got all them plunderers sneezin and dancin on the ship, 
and got hold of the thing that steers the ship, and took her up the 
river Sticks. 

Sally. The river Sticks! Where is that, Gus? 

Gus. On the Jarsey shore. I jist seed the captin, and he told 
me all about it, and how a feller they call Charon, the ferry-man, 
was waitin for em. 

Sally. Was Parson Grub with them ? 

Gus. Yes, the Parson knowed the place. Ho tried to back 
out, but couldn’t come it. The man in black was too smart for 

him. 

Sally: Gus, take warnin by all this. You often told me you was 
sorry you didn’t jine them fellers to plunder the State— now, Gus, 
you is glad, I know you is. 

0 


26 


Upside Down. 


Gus. Sally, wliat a thing it is to have a wirtuous wife. You is 
my North Star to gide me on; you bluffed Don Juan when he 
wanted to kiss you, and you clove to me when I guv up the planta- 
tion. 0, Sally, Sally, what a big heart you’ve got; but for you I 
would be now sailinup the river Sticks a huntin for a hot place to 
go to. 

Sally. Gus, I did my best to save you. I knowed you would be 
wirtuous except when you wasn’t so; you has a good heart, Gus, 
when you don’t git in bad company. I didn’t say nothin, but I 
watched you close when Don Juan’s wives was about. 

Gus. My gardian angel, so you did, and bless your little heart for 
savin my caracter. It don’t look well for married men to be kissin 
about, does it, Sally ? 

Sally. It don’t make so much difference when they kiss their own 
color,* but some of Don Juan’s wives was as black as my shoe. 

Gus. They was some of the Straight University niggers he found 
when preachin his sermons. 

Sally. I’m glad he’s gone up the river Sticks, and hope he’ll stay 
there, the impudent feller, to try and make my Gus as bad as he is. 

Mrs. B. Come Sally, there’s work to do now, the house wants a 
good cleanin since you’ve got back. 

Sally. I liavn’tgot rested yet, mammy; when I do, you’ll find me 
a good worker. When Gus was a courtin me, you know I had him 
to think about, but that’s all over now, as we are married, and if 
Gus behaves himself and stavs at home, we’ll be happy. Won’t 
we, Gus? 

Gus. Yes, my duck, I’ll never leave you. 

Mrs. B. Come then and help Sally git the dinner ready; we 
must eat to keep life in our bodies. [Exeunt. 

SCENE 2 . — A cavern in Hell ; Proserpine seated on her throne , in 

her left hand a hunch of narcissus, in her right a two -forked trident, 

A small basket of pomegranates at her feet. Sidney in waiting . 

Pros . Sidney, are the pilgrims without ? 

Sid. They are in waiting, your Majesty. 

Pros. Summon them to me. [Sidney strikes the gong twice, then 
enter Sanco Panza, Don Juan, Ugly Mug, Red River, Congress, 
Naught and Parson Grud. 

Pros. Pilgrims, I hope you will continue dutiful subjects of mine. 
}You have done enough to consign you to Tartarus, but I will send 

ou between the two mansions to the field of truth, where Minos, 
he President of my Judges, who keeps the fatal Urn, will examine 
your lives, take information of your crimes, weigh the merits of 
your actions, and assign each one to his proper abode. 

Parson. Will your Majesty hear us ? 

Pros. Minos will alone hear you. He is an upright Judge. 
Which of you is Don Juan ? 

Juan. I am here, your Majesty. 


Upside Down. 


27 


Pros. Sidney, summon Asmodai. [Sidney strikes the gong , Asmo- 
dai comes up the trap. 

Pilg. [starting hack surprised.'] Our Grand Mogul! 

Pros. Come forward, Don Juan. Asmodai, you will correct me 
if I go astray in enumerating the virtues of these pilgrims. Don 
Juan, you have a glorious record to make you a dutiful and loving 
subject of mine. You began as a defaulter, but made up your loss 
with Ship Island and Slaughterhouse. Those virtuous laws, the 
Militia, Education, Constabulary and Election, are all your handi- 
work, this entitles you to my favor, and you are in a fair way to 
become the successor of my faithful Asmodai. Stand aside ! Sid- 
ney, arrange the cap for each, as they appear. Parson Grub, stand 
before me! I have had many of your class in my presence. But 
you seem to be made up of two races, black and white, I must con- 
sult with Minos where to locate you. The two races are kept apart 
in my dominions, but you choose to put them together on earth, 
and have lost your chance for a fair trial before my President. I 
condemn you to go direct to Tartarus, there you will meet the mad 
Salmoneus, the daring Tartarus, the presumptuous Ixion turning on 
his wheel encircled with serpents. Your companions may join you 
in time. I will provide you with cakes before you go down to my 
realms. Stand aside. Ugly Mug, Sanco Panza, Red River and 
Congress Naught, appear before me! You are the followers of 
these two pilgrims, but your records are not equal to theiis; my 
President Minos will judge your deeds. Stand aside! Sidney, 
prepare them for examination . [Sidney puts a red cap on the head 
of each.] And now, Asmodai, where are the other subjects you 
promised me ? 

Asm. Your Magesty, they remained behind to gather up their 
plunder, all are out of office now, and all will leave the South for 
the good of the South. 

Pros. Yes, and I fear the new Government will deprive me of many 
subjects, I have been the protector of your party in all of its ups and 
downs, It is down now, but I may recuperate it within the next four 
years. My time is soon up to go upon earth, where I remain two quar- 
ters of tlie year, by permission of my husband. That time will be 
passed in New Orleans, and I promise to bring back with me to help 
people my dominion, Civil Code, Earl of Mortimer, Brick Top, 
English Bill, Flying Dutchman, Pinch Bowl and Marc Antony. I 
may also secure Magnus Apolo and Humpty Dumpty, there are still 
some subjects in Jefferson making rapid strides to get with me, and 
having large contracts, I will entice Lame Jervis, with a promise of 
reward to give them proper justice. Asmodai you managed the 
count in the city election well; think of it my Asmodai, that a city of 
more than three-fouths white people should have voted the black 
ticket and put my subjects again in office. Your Lieutenant was 
made wise by your manouvres, and being made wise was made sick by 
the result. You kept up well Asmodai until the last vote, when you 
had a desire to be virtuous and changed your plan of battle; a good 


28 


* 


Upside Down. 


general, Asmodai, never changes front on the battle field; you did 
so and fell. I have a desire, Asmodai, to get your chief supervisor, 
and in getting him I am certain of an increase of my black subjects. 
My apartments for that race must be extended, and you will see it 
done in my absence. I think there are some of the opposite party 
candidates for my favor. I will look up among them as glorious sub- 
jects, Samuel Goodfellow, Joseph and his brethern, and Solyman, 
the Magnificent ; they wield an influence that will draw many to my 
dominion, and add to my future greatness. Asmodai, you will have 
charge of my dominions in New York until I return from my other 
dominion in New Orleans. Asmodai disappear. ( Asmodai goes 
down the trap.) Sidney, summon the keepers to take out Pilgrim. 
( Sidney strikes the gong three times, when the scenes are shifted, showing 
hell, devils, furies and monsters coming rushing in, dancing around the 
Pilgrims until the curtain falls . ) * 

ACT V.— Year 1873. 

SCENE 1 . — A room in the Governor's manison, New Orleans. 

Enter Sam Chew, Abeam and John Sulkey. 

Sam. Abram you has a good place wid de Gubener. 

Abram. Yes Sam, I has de hi place wid de sarvents, and mi word 
is de law. 

Sam. Can’t you git me in wid your party, I is had sich a soft place 
prayin for de lass fore years, dat I wants it longer, and Abram 
you must git de Gubener to make me his chaplain to| keep de 
sarvents from stealin. 

John. Abram try and git me back wid de Gubener; I dosn’t want 
to go on de plantation agin, case de work is hard, but I can stay 
here and look at you Abram wen you works. 

Abram. Did any man ever see sich sassy niggers as you two is; 
wen dem wite plunders cum out here to steal, you bof quit our 
good master, and went and jined em, now you cums back and 
wants master to take you in again, case he’s de Gubener. 

Sam. Wei de Grand Mogul we had, fore master was lected, got me 
to be chaplain, and he got John Suikey to be de Skule Dricter; but 
wen he got out we didn’t git in agin. I likes master, but he wouldn’t 
jine our party, he said we all was a pack of dam plunders. 

Abam. Well Sam you nose master never committed a mistake, if 
he sade so it was so. 

Sam. Well maybe it was, I nose dem fellers all had full bags 
wen dey go home; I seed dem on de levee a dancin a brake down. I 
is dun wid dem, dey is not fit sociates for us cullered fokes. 

Abram. I nose dat long ago; I never seed dem wite fellers, but I 
felt my race was dregaded mixin wid dem. 

Sam. I has de same feelin now Abram, and my dander gits up 
wen I tinks of em. 


Upside Down. 


29 


Enter CrviL Code. 

Civil. Boy is the Governor in ? Sam is that you ? 

Sam. I dosn’t no you, Sar, I turns my back on you. 

Civil. Why Sam we are old acquaintances. 

Sam. Bat was wen you was spectable, sar, and you jined in wid 
us cullered fokes. 

Civil. That wouldn’t do now Sam , I am on another tack; I go with 
the white men. They are in power now and will remain so. 

Sam . Dat was your doins den, you made us poor cullered fokes 
believe we was wite wen we is only black, and we nose it. Abram 
here had good sens and wudn’t jine us, now we poor cullered people 
keeps black wid all your laws to make us wite; you wite people is 
not honest, you did all de stealin, and all us poor cullered people 
got was de blame; we lected you wid our votes, and now you lias 
all jined de wite man’s party, but you can’t blutf dem as you did 
us cullered people. 

Civil. You are excited Sam, take my advice and keep cool; I am 
a close calculator Sam, and find out you colored people only pay 
one-twentieth of the city taxes, and all the State taxes you pa}' 
wouldn’t fill one of the pockets of Parson Grub, who is now far 
away from us. Now Sam the salaries of your race in the city 
amounted to more than the white people get, and you still cried for 
more. 

Sam , I gets nothin. Parson Grub went and put nigger childen 
wid de wite chliden, and dat’s wat killed our party; we cullered 
people didn’t want it, but de Parson knowed de schules wud all 
brake up wen he doed dat; dat Parson dosn’t care, because he don’t 
live here; he lives were de mods kicks wid de fore foot, and I wishes, 
and all de cullered people wishes dat de devil might git him. 

Toices. (Outside.) The devil has him now. 

Sam. "Who’s dat talkin and tellin de truth dere? 

Civil. I didn’t hear any body Sam; you are visionary. 

Sam. No, I isn’t wisionary. I is Sam Chew, de man who beleaved 
wat you wite fokes sade. De cullered people dosn’t like to tell de 
truth, but you wite plunders can beat em lyin. 

Abram. I tole you all bout dis Sam, you nose dey tried to cotch 
me; but I axed master bout dem and he sade dey was only foolin de 
niggers to get big offices and steal. 

Sam. And dey stole plenty fore dey go and ruined all us poor 
cullered peojfie. I is goin now Abram ; tell Gubener how do for 
me. Come John Sulkey, you and I is one in misery now. (Exit 
icitli John.) 

Civil. Now Abram, can I see the Governor ? 

Abram. Yes, Sar, he be comin dis way drectley. 

Civil. You have a good place with the Governor Abram ? 

Abram. Yes, Sar, I be de first doorkeeper. 

Civil, I am glad you are well provided for. 

Abram. You tinks so now, do you, Sar, but you didn’t tink 
so afore. 


30 


Upside Down. 


Civil. You have always been a faithful servant. 

Abram. I nose I has, and de Gubener nose dat too. 

Civil. Those fellows who quit their masters when in trouble are 
sorry for it now . 

Abram. I nose dat, but dey is scalawags, and de Gubener don’t 
wants em no more. 

Civil. Poor deluded people, the Governor ought not to be hard 
with them. 

Abram. Your party made em dat way, and now you is tired of 
dem; dats de way of cle world and your party. 

Civil. They tried to get the upper hand of the white people, but 
we beat them. 

Abram. Jist so, jist so, dey is black again. 

Enter Me. Thompson. 

Civil. My worthy friend I came to offer you my congratulations, 
and to assist you with my counsel ; I have had much experience of 
late. — 

Mr. T. I know that Mr. Code, and I am sorry your counsels 
were so much followed. 

Civil. Why so Governor ? 

Mr. T. Because you tampered with the ignorance of the State, 
and to accomplish your own selfish purposes you joined in with a 
worthless set of white men who claimed to make law's for us. Men 
who were mendicants when they came here, but who departed as 
millionaires after they had ruined the State. 

Civil. Some of the white men came here with good intentions, 
to cultivate the soil and to engage in mercantile pursuits; others 
with professions followed; but misfortunes came upon them and 
they embarked in politics for the good of the State. 

Mr. T. And for their own benefit you may add Mr. Code; you 
and I came to this State forty years ago. We both amassed wealth. 
You in your profession, and I as a plain farmer. We both did good 
to the State as payers of taxes, and preferred that the residents 
should manage the affairs of the State ; they were well managed as 
you know. Now r , Sir, how r was it with the cormorants we have just 
driven off? Not one of them aided the State in the payment of 
taxes, but plundered what little there was in the treasury. Such 
impudence is unheard of in any civilized community, as a set of 
men representing parishes they never lived in; and another set mis- 
representing the people of the South in the Congress of the United 
States, as if the people of the South preferred these adventurers to 
their own people. 

Civil. The people pf the South elected them. 

Mr. T. Your abominable election law did, and you elected them 
by counting, not by voting. This fraud on mankind was drawn up 
by you, but fathered by a man deep in all the rascalities of the 
day. 

Civil. You are severe on my friends Governor. 


Upside Down. 


31 


Mr. T. I will be more severe on them by wishing the devil may 
get them. 

Voice. (Outside.) He has them now fast. 

Abram. Who’s dat a talkin out dere? Silence ! 

Mr. T. Your triends as you call them left this city upside down. 
It was a scene of dassolation; I will show you what determination 
can do when backed up by a people who alone have the right to 
govern. ( Rings a bell on the table 10 hen a curtain is drawn up, 
showing the St. Charles Hotel in all its beauty. The markets in proper 
order, and a general sign of prosperity in the city.) 

Civil. I am amazed! Is this your work Governor? 

Mr. T. I urged it on and it was done; now Mr. Code I will tell 
you what else will be done. 

Civil. I am ready to hear. 

Mr. T. All your bad laws, (you had no good ones,) passed during 
your four years of misrule will be repealed; in time they will be 
forgotten, except by those ruined by them. All your men who held 
power and were $io obnoxious to our citizens will cease to be thought 
of. The worst have left the State, others will follow. A black line 
wid be drawn around their names, and their evil deeds will be 
expunged from our Statutes. Now, Sir, I w r ish you to remain and 
look at society you have been shut out from by your evil deeds. I 
will show you the Chinese as house servants; I have long had them 
on my plantation, and heathens as they are, they are more reliable 
than Christian negroes. Come with me, Sir. (Exeunt.) 

SCENE 2 . — The saloon in the Governors manison. Ladies and 
gentlemen walking about resting from a dance. Chinese servants active 
about. Mr. Thompson and Civil Code enter and the parties dance until 
the curtain falls. 













1. 


LIBRARY OF CONGRES 


